Today felt like the right day to write you. I’m unprepared and still scared of what may fill these pages, scared of discovering something I’ve buried deep inside, an acidic wound that burns to touch. But today felt like the right day to write you.
I wanted to tell you I’ve noticed you this year. I’ve noticed every time you’ve disguised the heaviness in your eyes with a smile, I’ve noticed your fear of silence each time you’ve burdened yourself with busyness and I’ve been there in the cold hours of the morning as you lay awake, mind whirling.
I’ve bared witness to all you’ve had to deal with this year. The soul shattering grief and the heart fracturing loss. I walked beside you as you carried the boxes of clothes and the boxes of ashes. I was there when you locked the door for the final time on that lifestyle you once lived.
I know you’re scared of being lonely and yet aloneness is all you seek. That’s why you’ve devoured the words of others who have walked your path before, as crutches to stop you from stumbling. Reading poetry by salt lamp as some kind of ancient medicine. Letting the thick words coat your painful wounds like some kind of patented blister plaster. But we both know what is unexposed will never heal.
You need air. I sense every time you want to run away; flow like water, eroding everything in your path, never stopping until you’ve reached a greater ocean to drown in. It’s your nature to run when what you truly need is air.
I will act as your Earth, grounding you to every possible moment, but it’s up to you to take in the air.
Breathe as I anchor you.
Breathe as it frees you.
I’ve seen what you’re capable of. Through all the heaviness you’ve ever carried you have always managed to hold on to your lightness. Though the weight of darkness bore down upon your shoulders I’ve seen you able to carry such burdens for others.
Do you see what you are capable of too?
The strength you’ve always managed to muster, for yourself and for others. The space you have allowed yourself as the howls of pain left your body, the comfort you have given yourself as you wiped yet another tear from your now painful skin. Your vulnerability became your strength, goodness like yours cannot exist without ever knowing the bad, light like yours can never exist without the shadows of the dark.
Today felt like the right day to write to you and tell you your aloneness can never be lonely when I have always been right here by your side.
I will anchor you to every moment, good and bad, as you breathe the air you are so desperately gasping for.
As the wind calms, the waters will still. As the waters still the wounds will dry. Scars you can carry as war wounds to guide others who will inevitably walk the path you’ve now cleared the way for.
I can see you healing. I can see your shadows fade. I can feel the lightness in every step you choose to take.
You now need to see it too.
With love, light, gratitude and grace,